Me: Where am I going to find a plus sized leprechaun costume?
James: Uh, eBay?
James: Wow, what happened here?
Me: Are you looking in the mirror?
James: [If I were a trucker] I'd dress like a leprechaun/Master Chief/The Terminator.
Me: All year 'round.
E: Why were you rushing around?
James: M was levitating/shit on my face/fell off the couch.
James: It's O. He had an accident with Nutella.
Me: He ate too much of it.
Me: It looks like Grimace if he was a black person.
Me: It looks like Grimace and Shrek had a baby.
James: You should put the photo in between the pages of your resume like it got there accidentally and when they ask who it is say your dad.
James: Do you have your dad's Facebook password? You should change it to his profile picture.
James: Should I invite J to the game?
Me: EW, no.
James: He's probably busy doing his sister anyway.
Me: And his mom, if he can tell them apart.
James: We should make a petition to change the name of the Xbox to Sex Box.
Me: With all two signatures.
James: What does she look like?
Me: She looks like him. Only female. Sort of.
[referring to Crackdown 2 helicopter]
Me: Oh my god, this is slower than riding J's mom.
James: [cracks up]
Me: We should do a prank where we key and then burn his car.
James: But actually do it?
[referring to warped shelf]
Me: It looks like J's face. Or O's dick.
[after my super asked "How come?" after the contractor fixed my leak]
JR: "Why he fix? You no like leak?"
Me: She's actually putting your sock in her mouth?
Me: Babies are gross. Who would put a foot in their mouth?
James: I guess she takes after me.
Me: I want to shove a flamethrower up my cunt.
James: Up it? Not turn it on? Or just for the size? 'Cause you could just jump on to the tip of the Washington Monument and hold your cunt open. Now that would be stylish.
Me: Up it and shoot it. I can't afford to travel.
James: I'm sure you could find sponsors.
Me: "Excuse me, sir, would you like to sponsor the spreading of my cunt lips atop the Washington Monument?"
Me: Airs? What's that?
James: "More than one air."
[both crack up]
Me: This has to be a word
James: Instead of a GO Bus it's a GO Van?
James: How about this? [spells YOVAN]
Me: That's the GO Van but it's driven by black people.
Me: What's that dark letter?
Me: QUEERVAN?! Hahaha.
[James spells SLUTSHOP]
Me: Slutshop? Is that like a modern day brothel?
James: You should be able to spell words wrong.
Me: Yeah, 'cause that's the purpose of Scrabble.
Me: What the hell is SI? Si senor?!
James: This is the Mexican version of Scrabble.
[singing Away in a Manger together] "...asleep on the hay."
James: Why was he sleeping on hay?
Me: Because he's ghetto, that's why.
James: I wonder why Child Services didn't intervene.
Me: I know, eh?
Me: I'm in a good mood but I'm so sore. The way I sleep ruins everything.
James: You know what else ruins everything?
James: Your face.
Me: Do you know what's fucked up now that I just noticed?
James: Your face?
James: Is Big Bird coming over? Wait, that could be taken two ways.
Me: Noooooot really.
Me: Have you seen Shindler's List?
James: That's a comedy, right?
James: Yeah, I've seen it.
James: I want to shove the update in my cunt. Oh, hi, Mom.
Me: She'd be like, 'First of all, what update? And second of all, what cunt?'
James: Why don't you take your lips and wrap them around your head and suck your cunt in?
James: Why don't you take Mr. Belding's toe and shove it up your cunt (but I mean Richard's toe)?
James: Who do you think would win between Chuck Norris or Jason?
Me: I think Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris IS Jason.
James: Oh, I couldn't see the beard poking through the mask.
Me: Oh, god, that's so gross.
James: What, the rat tail?
James: They should reshoot the movie.
Me: You should contact the directors and say, "You should reshoot the movie... without the rat tail."
Me: Wouldn't this movie be a lot funnier if everyone was gay?
James: Including Jason?
Me: It would be like a Brokeback Mountain serial killer movie.
James: Where Jason goes around trying to fuck everyone instead of kill them?
James: He's gonna get him in the bum!
James: Look at all that wood!
Me: That's what she said.
Me: They're like, all teenagers and he's like, 56.
James: His pants are so high that each of his balls must be resting separately on either side of his pants.
James: He should start going ass to mouth on her under water.
James: Oh my god, they put the two black people together? Ridiculous.
Me: Interracial relationships were illegal in the 80s too. Except that time Lisa and Screech got together.
James: They look like the $5 shoes from K-Mart.
Me: They were. The budget for this film was like, $15.
Me: Wasn't it illegal to show black people having sex?
James: Shouldn't they be eating fried chicken?
Me: Should we be this close to Animal Planet in a horror movie?
James: What is this, Planet of the Apes?
Movie: "I've been rejected by some of the finest science fiction magazines in the United States!"
Me: That was a really good thing to say in that moment!
James: That should be our goal. Forget a job. We should make it our goal in life to get 750 achievements in Champions Online.
Me: I dunno, do they have Internet access in the soup kitchen?
Me: *makes Indian singing noises*
Me: I think my neighbours are having a party.
Me: I just heard some music from their apartment.
James: Imagine if Humpty Dumpty was president and was assassinated?
James: There'd be potato flying everywhere.
Me: But he's an egg.
Me: Humpty Dumpty is an egg.
James: Oh, I meant Mr. Potato Head.
Me: The fact that this is a snippet from a conversation I am having is disturbing: "The President of the United States has appointed a Roomba as the new president. Yes, a Roomba." (said by James)
James: I got like, 13 pairs of shirts. Pairs of shirts? What the hell is that? Like, 24 shirts?
Me: Just because you don't want to put something in your mouth doesn't mean you need to fling it across the room.
James: That's what she said.
Me: Leave it to me to spell that word.
James: I need to pee somewhere.
Me: My mouth is open.
Me: My cousin had a 55" TV.
James: It's a good thing I wasn't there.
James: She'd need a squeegee.
Me: For her face?
Me: OMG, it's wobbling and I haven't even touched it.
James: It's from Mr. Potato Head's bad breath.
Me: Does it smell like garlic bread?
James: Or spaghetti.
James: It's wobbling because he's flicking his sweat at it.
[while playing Jenga]
James: I'm going to have a heart-attack.
Me: Yeah, this is so relaxing!
Me: What are you laughing at, Mr. Potato Slut?!
James: Hasbro should rename Mr. Potato Head to Mr. Potato Slut.
Me: OMG, I cannot believe you just pulled that out.
Both: (in unison) That's what she said.
James: I wonder how tall the tallest Jenga tower was.
Me: We could look it up in the Guinness Book of World Sexorz.
James: Is that what they're calling it these days?
Me: You know when it's going to fall? When Mr. Potato Head gets a boner.
Me: What would you do without me? If I wasn't in your life, you'd laugh less.
Me: Yeah, so, don't send me to the mental hospital or else your life will be boring.
Me: OMG, my eyes are burning. I wish I had some... poo.
Me: The interviewer is like, "Where is the best e-mail address to contact you?"
James: You're like a robot that has short circuited.
Me: Oh... my GOD. I cannot believe that came out.
James: That's what she said.
Me: I want to exfoliate my skin with his mustache.
Me: [in monster voice] SHADOOOOOW!
Me: Holy shit, that hurt. [coughing]
Me: I need to lube up my throat with Mr. Potato Head's sweat before I do that.
James: You'd probably get a friend request from Osama Bin Laden.
Me: Osama Bin Zombie.
James: I'd rather them think I was making a prank call than think I'm mentally retarded.
Me: Excuse me, are you making a suggestion there?
James: [laughing] No.
Me: What are you doing?! Are you crazy?!
James: You're asking ME if I'M crazy? Pot, meet Kettle.
Me: We haven't been playing this for an hour! We haven't even... been alive for an hour.
Me: If I get this in the outer area again, I have to eat Shadow's poo.
[gets in outer area again]
Me: Oh, FUCK!
James: I should hold you to that.
Me: You should be in the process of getting a new face.
James: [referring to braces] Actually, I am in the process of getting a new face.
James: [to me liking a ton of Facebook pages] What the hell are you doing, liking the whole Internet?
Me: Fling your sweat on my face, you potato fuck.
Me: Why does Mr. Potato Head keep wiping his sweaty head?
James: Because he's Italian?
Me: Oohh, his sweat is dripping on the Scrabble board, and there's gonna be a Tsunami of sweat!
Me: [does a bunch of insane laughs: HEE HEE! HO HO! HAA HAA! HO WHO!]
Who needs alcohol when you act like this normally?
Me: I hope he flings his sweat on my face and then cuts himself up and shoves himself in my mouth. I love sweaty fries. I wonder if he's sweating oil.
James: Like I said, he is Italian. He's probably sweating Fettuccine Alfredo.
Me: Have you heard of Blood Creek?
James: Is that like Dawson's Creek?
Me: Yes, it's a horror spin-off.
James: Does Dawson play Jason? And instead of his mask he uses a Dawson's Fail Face mask?
James: It looks like the babies from Dead Space 2.
Me: The ones with the glowing bums?
James: I don't know, I didn't look at their bums.
Me: You liar.
Me: [me doing a Polish accent]
James: You sound like Maury Povich.
Me: [laughing] He doesn't even have an accent!
James: I know, I just wanted to make you laugh.
Me: [Louis Armstrong impression]
James: I bet if they opened you up they'd find black person inside. Because black person insides are different than white person insides. You'd find pieces of fried chicken and watermelon.
Me: Like, are their intestines actually made of fried chicken?
James: You'd find KFC coupons.
Me: Would you find pieces of stolen stereo?
James: Rims. iPods. Guns. Bullets. A list of ebonic words. Low IQs. Egg McMuffin lip implants.
James: What file system does a Mac use?
Me: Dick Head.
James: That seems a little unorthodox.
James: What a piece of ass.
Me: What, is your mom there?
James: Jim's just like -
Me: "I have a pussy and you know it"?
Me: I have a pussy and you know it...
James: Clap your hands.
Me: I have a pussy and you know it, clap your hands. I have a pussy and I know and I really want to stroke it. I have a pussy and you know it, clap your hands.
James: That was impressive improv there.
Me: I know. Our whole friendship is like taking an improv class.